T-minus 4 weeks -- just about 672 hours, give or take -- until my official due date. People I encounter keep giving me the are you going to have that baby here and now look -- at work, at the grocery store, in the parking lot as I attempt to lever my glowing pregnant self (read: enormous watermelon body) in and out of the car. They say things like: looks like that baby's coming any day now! Or, how long do you have there? Or my favorite, WOW, that's a big belly! Thanks. No, really. I didn't know that when I grew out of my maternity jeans a week ago or was forced to go out and buy maternity underwear, something I swore I'd never do (it's my own hang-up, there's really nothing wrong with maternity underwear).
While I know that next week I will be at full term and in theory could go into labor any time, the fact that my first two children came almost exactly on their due dates gives me a sense of security that the rest of the world doesn't understand when they see me walking a mile or carrying my own bags out of the grocery store. I'm still planning meetings, and setting family schedules. Heck I just RSVP'd on an evite for 8 days prior to my due date. Just ask the baby to wait, and he'll wait. Makes perfect sense until I really start to think about it, and realize that maybe reality rests somewhere between my own small case of pregnancy-induced denial and everyone else's hyper-sensitivity to my third trimester.
To help accept the fact that I could potentially go into labor soon, I delved into my own practice to give myself a few pieces of advice from the Been There, Done That school of pregnancy. While every woman is different, here are six things I learned the first two times around about labor, delivery, and life right after that have improved my experience with each baby:
1) Try not to absorb or implement all the advice you are given. Mea culpa, I'm breaking my own rule by going all up on the internet to put these words down like I know something. What a perfect opportunity to highlight that everyone who has ever had a body, mother, sister or friend who was pregnant believes they have great advice to give you. And they may, and it's good to listen with an open mind. But it's also okay to think, be, and act differently than your mom, sister, best friend, co-worker, neighbor, or stranger at the checkout counter. Develop some smile and nod skills for this. Sometimes the advice is useful, and if not at least you have something to laugh about with your partner later while they massage the midnight cramps out of your calves.
2) It feels good to be prepared, but it does not feel so good to be rigid. As I mentioned in an earlier post, with our first baby we attended a wonderful birthing class. With babies two and three, we also went to abbreviated classes for experienced parents -- like a birthing refresher course. In all of the classes we spent time thinking and talking labor and delivery with other people like us -- delving into the science behind labor and how to have the birth we wanted (especially in a hospital), gaining confidence the first time, and returning to that feeling the next two times. Even writing this down helps to bring my mind to a readiness that my body is reaching. However like anything, once someone defines a typical process it's easy to cling to it as the way. But guess who's not paying attention in birthing class? The baby. They may come into this world in an entirely different way than expected, and it just feels better to be flexible instead of exhausting myself because of any preconceived notions of how birth would be. Trust me you won't have that energy to waste while pushing.
3) You may find that your natural reaction is to be rigid anyway. When people say you are in control in birthing class they are helping to build your confidence and positive outlook, which are all good things. But the truth is you are not in control and neither is the midwife, doctor, birth coach, partner, or perfect Prince song you have blasting from your ipod on repeat. The baby is driving the bus, and you're the other most important person there. For a control freak like me, that is so uncool (I've told the babies this, but it doesn't seem to make a difference). My initial reaction is to construct roadblocks, cut off bridges -- tell that baby what to do! What a way to set myself up for disappointment. As those among us who meditate might say, let the thoughts of control come into your consciousness, acknowledge them and let them go. And if that doesn't work, don't beat yourself up about it! The baby will come out anyway.
4) Nesting is real, baby blues are real, hormonal swings are real -- it will be a rollercoaster, you or your partner may not recognize it or know what to do about it, and that's okay. Shortly before and after delivery, I do some pretty out of character things. For example I waddled around Ikea with the whole family this weekend, just to soak in all the bedrooms and kitchens and living rooms and daydream about owning and furnishing a house. And while I was in early labor the first time, I went to Target to return some things, roasted a chicken (it made sense at the time -- we were going to be out of the house for three days and the chicken would go bad in the fridge), and smudged the house before we left for the hospital to clear the air -- nesting anyone? As soon as she came out I was euphoric, then when she went briefly for examination and hubby followed after her, I spent about 20 minutes feeling abandoned and being really angry at my perfect little newborn for how much it had hurt. My sense of calm returned fairly quickly but my embarrassment about the whole thing kept me preoccupied for days, questioning whether there was something wrong with me. There was not.
5) You are in control of what is done to your body and your mind during labor. Most birth stories I hear are essentially stories about communication. Having a good relationship with my doctor was great during pregnancy, and I believe she wrote some key things down in my chart, but what happens when you go into labor while another doc is on call, or just as your midwife arrives halfway across the country at her annual conference? I was able to go with it (see #2 above) when a totally new doctor showed up at the hospital his office and my doctor's office shared OB coverage he listened well to me and communicated well with the hospital staff. Nurses are clearly key to an overall positive experience as they spent the most time with me, but for better or worse in a hospital, doctors call the shots especially on issues such as interventions or wanting to get up and walk around. This is also where an advocate can be crucial your birth coach, or a friend, or a doula whatever you need to feel comfortable, make it happen! If people judge you for creating the best birthing space for you, well then shame on them (and stay focused on you).
6) Practice does not make perfect. It just makes one more at peace with the imperfections. If you can start out that way, you're totally ahead on the happy mama meter! You figure out what works for you, no matter what others say. Then when it stops working, you figure out something else. Now, if only I could accept this about everyday life.As I face labor all over again sometime soon I have to say that all in all, I really enjoyed it the first two times. It's true. And no, it wasn't easy. But the best things never are.
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Pregnancy Great Expectations