-2 station, 90%+ effaced, 4 cm dilated. I am almost technically into active labor&except nothing much seems to be happening. I've been hanging out at about the same place for the last 5 weeks. Baby is saying 'Thank you for the invitation, but no.' I finally broke down and ran away from home this past weekend.
It was evening time. I was getting Preston ready for work and complaining in my usual way while waiting for my mother to drop in for a visit. I was once again sad for no clear reason, and unsure of what to do while he was gone that night. I could stay at home alone and be afraid and lonely. I could go my parents' and participate in a six-woman circle of minor crisis management. Wherever I went, I was feeling surrounded by negative energy. Everyone in my family is struggling right now with some personal trial. I've been glad to help out and for the help they've given me, but I'm reaching my limits now, and keep adopting everyone else's troubles.Then Preston asked why I didn't go visit my grandmother. I stopped. The perfection of this idea became instantly clear, and it fell together just that smoothly, too. Within a few hours, I called Grandma up, packed my bags, and hitched a ride with Mom into town to stay for a couple of nights. I felt a little guilty for leaving home and not being productive or supportive, but I recognized how much I needed the time to myself. I knew, too, that next time around I wouldn't have this chance, so I took it. And ohh, it was so perfect. I chatted with Grandma. I made good food. I sat around and soaked up the quiet and left the rest behind.Part of me wonders if labor would have started earlier, had it not been for the stress. I know I'm at the point where my body is constantly asking 'Are we safe? Are we ready?' and eventually will say 'Okay, NOW!' But I've been so on edge, how can my body feel safe? In the absence of considerable physical change, I'm very conscious of the emotional changes that have been happening the past few weeks. I took my vacation because I knew that neither loneliness at home, nor the busyness and higher tension level at my parents' would help me feel prepared or well for the weeks ahead. I'm getting very defensive of my emotional state. I'm feeling compelled to remove anything from my environment that doesn't make me feel perfectly calm and safe. There are only two people I want to spend any time with at the moment, but they're both very busy. I was glad to remember and have the option of a third place and person I wouldn't have thought of on my own.
I'm also losing my sense of autonomy, at what I recognize is a critical time. THIS, I think, is part of the reason mother-infant care is what it is today. Sure, I know I can go into the hospital and request or reject things as I please, but I don't have the energy anymore to explain to you what I know about Pitocin that makes me want to avoid it. I'm not even sure it's that unappealing, right now. I don't want to make decisions, I just want someone there at 2 am to tell me why my baby hasn't moved much in the past X hours, and that she'll wake up in a moment and be fine. But I don't want to deal with the people in L&D, either, so I probably won't go in or call unless you think I should. No, I'll sit here and keep worrying until I go mad right about the time she does wake up. Then we'll repeat tomorrow. This is where outside support is so crucial. Fortunately I have a husband who understands and respects my thoughts and wishes. I'm giving him more and more power to make the decisions, lately. It's an idea that would have worried my control loving mind a few months ago, but this is no longer the time for cool judgment and decision for me. I trust Preston, I know I can talk to him, and I also feel good about letting him more actively participate as a parent in what happens from here.
Along that line, we and the doctor had the 'when to induce?' discussion this morning, since I'm almost 41 weeks, and that's typically when his office begins to encourage induction. I was not perfectly happy (okay, I was very grumpy) about having that chat, but I know that while my doctor is very respectful of my opinions, he certainly has his own, with experience to back it. I can work with that. I was just glad Preston was there this time, so we could discuss how we each felt, and then he backed me up. We all are fine with waiting for at least another week, as long as we have some assurance of baby's health. So, we're going in for a biophysical profile and nonstress test tomorrow, to be sure she's doing well before settling into the final wait. The obsessive, anxious part of me is glad for the extra monitoring, even knowing how that tendency can alter plans. It's hard, not having any outside frame of reference for what I'm feeling, trying to balance possible risks, compare them to what I've learned (Healthy Birth Practices, anyone?), and advocate for my family and what I feel is best. I suppose I won't be perfect at it, and I'll simply have to go with my gut. Not sure if I like that.
After the appointment, we came home to an apartment full of my sisters, there to use our internet connection for schoolwork. I went and closed myself in the bedroom, where I fielded loving, inquisitive calls and texts from about everyone I know. It's tempting to ask for another weekend away. Too bad I can't completely hide myself until this is all over. Thank goodness, whatever happens, I know it will be soon.
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Pregnancy Great Expectations