Great Expectations: Cara @ 18 weeks

I don't think the second trimester has ever moved this quickly for me. Birth work is busy, but beyond that, there are two rowdy boys managing to take up every inch of free space in my brain. Between pulling the oldest off of his brother and pulling the youngest out of the toilet (or as he sees it, the water table in the bathroom), there isn't much mental room left for dreaming about the one who is tucked away, safe from big brothers and actually needing very little attention from me at the moment.

For this reason, I can't wait to take another peak in there. Two more weeks and we'll be begging this baby to shake loose any sense of modesty and give us a quick glimpse of some defining features. In many ways, it will be a major connection point for my mama heart - a specific person to talk about and dream over. A little one to name and prepare for.

In the meantime, this pregnancy continues to be mostly about the other two - specifically my youngest. He is about to hit 16 months. As a doula and childbirth educator, it probably comes as no surprise that I wanted to nurse beyond his first birthday. The plan was 24 months.

Then came pregnancy. The milk slowed and then decreased; and last week, I went to nurse my sweet boy and he pushed me away. All interest was gone. Ladies, I tried everything. Nothing worked. He was done and moving on, and I was not ready for it. To say that I cried would be a tender way to summarize the heaving sobs that fell onto my husband's shoulder...tears that continue to resurface as I think about it being done. When I imagined being pregnant this year, I imagined 9 more months with him as my baby. I never considered the ways our dynamic would shift even now; nonetheless, I'm excited for what it means for him to have a younger sibling.

If it's possible to celebrate his upcoming role as a big brother while somewhat grieving his moving out of the baby window, I guess that's where I am.

When we meet again, I promise to bring a sonogram picture and some gender news! Until then, I'm especially enjoying the ways these days are still so fully about my first two babies ' even if they are getting pretty big.

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Cara Joyner is a mother of two who writes regularly at carajoyner.com and in various publications. She is also a Professional Birth Doula and Childbirth Educator (trained by Lamaze International).