An Impossible but Reasonable Gift Wish List for New Parents

Dearest Santa,

Hi there -- long time, no talk! You see, we're new parents. And yes, technically you're not supposed to be coming around these parts for another year or so, but this isn't about our precious child. It's about us. Call it selfish, but we're desperate. If there's room on your list, we'd really, really appreciate the following few simple, reasonable, easy-to-pack-on-a-sleigh presents.

Thanks ever so much.

Sincerely,

New Parents

PS: Sorry no cookies... it turns out that breastfeeding makes you extra hungry, and well... we ate them. Please enjoy this lovely pickle.

PPS: We took the liberty of checking and we are definitely on the "nice" list. No need to double check. Especially during those first few years after college. Thanks.

Our Gift Wish List

1. Sleep - super light and easy to wrap. I think it comes in the form of dust?

2. A clean house - I'm pretty sure your elves could knock this out in about 5 minutes. Can they stay for a few weeks?

3. Real, cooked food - this one could be a bit tricky to pack, but you're Santa! You can totally pull it off.

4. A pause and fast-forward button - to savor every sweet little moment and hurry up through the crying, diapering, and not sleeping through the night moments.

5. Super powers - they say that parents have great intuition, but we want more than that. Perhaps the ability to translate cries into words, change diapers while sleeping, and lay a baby down without waking them?

6. Sleep - in case you overlooked #1.

7. Shower, at least 10 minutes - perhaps this seems a little personal, but listen, it's serious. My last shower was 4 days ago and I only washed half my hair.

8. Visitor force field - kind of like in Star Wars, but around our house to keep visitors away when needed. Please provide a remote for switching on and off.

9. Clothes that fit, look presentable, and are comfortable - is that asking too much?

10. A vacation - not for right now, of course. But since we're on the topic of gifts, I thought I'd ask. It takes up very little room.